Sadly, there may be a time life you feel nothing but emptiness. You feel you can’t even see a glimmer of light in the darkness you’ve surrounded yourself in. Then that festers and grows into believing you don’t deserve anyone’s love because you’re a sinner, a bad person, and you don’t deserve kindness and love from anyone, let alone God. So you do the one thing you never thought you would, you turn your back on Him.  

The one thing I as a Christian tended to forget is God loves us, no matter what. He often times allows us to remain in certain situations because we’re unable to see past our own miseries, our self-loathing, and we fail to grasp the hand He extends to us.

But if that happens, He does so out of love for us. It’s not because He’s simply trying to teach us a lesson, or that I believe He’s simply all about “tough love”, but because He wants us to come to Him as we’re suppose to, with an open heart.  On the other hand, we must never forget that the enemy will also make us feel unworthy, uncared for, and most definitely unloved. By infiltrating our lives when we are down, the enemy will twist and turn any situation to work for his benefit. So as a Christian I have to decide which it is, but either way, I must seek the Lord.

I became a Christian, give or take, four years ago. I was brought up in the church but never understood who that man on the cross was. I never learned or fully comprehended what He sacrificed for me, for all of us who have sinned, and without doubt will most likely sin again. Nor did I know that I could in fact feel His spirit within me. So when I accepted Christ in my life, everything changed. My children were happier, I dealt with the fact that the spousal abuse I suffered, the beatings I took before and after I was eight months pregnant, and the verbal slurs that made me feel like I was garbage, weren’t because or about me. These situations, circumstances, were all what the enemy had created, and I had finally acknowledged that, let the Lord into my life, and found peace and serenity.

Similar to an alcoholic, I fell off the wagon and into a deep depression. The church I was attending closed. I turned my back on family, friends, and even God. Things began to spiral downwards. Nothing seemed right anymore. My depression led to an addiction, a way of escaping life, which then developed into a massive hatred for my own self. Then I prayed to the Lord to send someone to help me with my children, who would love me for who I was, and I found a partner in life. But things didn’t change yet. I still felt unworthy of another’s love because I couldn’t love myself. Almost a year to the day I met my partner, God led me to the Cornerstone Church.

Saturday, January 24, 2009 I was blessed to have made the acquaintances of a couple who attend Cornerstone. Instantaneously, I felt a connection to the Lord again. January 25, 2009 I attended church, which didn’t leave me with the lingering fear of panic attacks, but instead I felt as if I’d come home. I reaccepted the Lord into my life, and am filled with a fire I thought was forever lost, and all I had to do was open my heart again.